johnny damon's concubine

2005-08-07T00:04:00.000-04:00

I've gotten a couple of emails about this, so I just wanted to say I'm not updating this blog anymore. Thanks for reading.

2005-01-26T23:48:00.000-05:00

I'm lazy, but I'm alive. I might be changing blogging/journal/rambling spots again, soon. Yes, I'm a whore for the latest net trends. 33 inches of snow and it's still falling. Fucking New England. Super Bowl: t-minus 11 days.

2004-12-30T15:51:00.000-05:00

When I read that Jerry Orbach died on CNN, I immediately recognized his face, and I never watched Law & Order. Then I remembered he was Baby’s father in one of my favorite movies, Dirty Dancing. RIP, Jerry Orbach.

It just needs to be said that I hate people for a variety of reasons right now.

1. I hate the way when you’re driving in Boston and you want to switch lanes, putting your blinker on is akin to slapping a sign on your car that says “Please speed up and tailgate, making it impossible for me to get over. Thank you.” So of course, you have to be a devious asshole and wait until the perfect moment before switching lanes, with nothing more than a flip of your blinker as you’re already sliding in.

2. The way retail people seem to think that they don’t get paid for handling returns after Christmas. It’s your job, asshole, so save your mumbling comments for your mother and give me my money back. A special shout out to Old Navy, who decided in a stroke of corporate brilliance not to issue sales credit slips immediately after merchandise is returned, instead they send you a gift card for your credit amount by carrier pigeons sent from Tunisia. This takes them 2 weeks.

3. People who feel the need to be combative about the stupidest shit. Verizon vs. Sprint vs. Cingular, PC vs. Mac, Sony vs. Nintendo, etc. etc. The truth is, I could care less which brand you prefer and why. That also goes for the people who think it’s cute to constantly be a devil’s advocate. There’s a reason why you usually have no friends, asswagon.

4. Our stingy-ass government. Yes, the US gives the most money in aid to other countries, but when you compare it as a percentage of our GNP, we’re dead last in the world. It’s fucking ridiculous that we can spend billions of dollars on an ill-conceived war, but we can’t crack open the national wallet to send money to people who have had their entire villages swept away until the UN calls us cheap.

I think that about covers it for the time being.

I need a new television series to get into, it seems like there’s always shit on television. Any recommendations?

2004-12-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

Been awhile since I updated. I wish I had some grand excuse for my absence, like that I was traveling through Europe or something, but it’s more like I was too lazy to compose my thoughts into more than an away message. Besides, it’s a blog, not like I’m the White House Press Secretary.

Christmas was fun. I actually enjoyed the family part of it a lot this year. Usually I’m calculating my possible loot intake, but this year I realized that my family is hilarious and we rule, and the holidays are fun because of them and not because of the fabulous boots I got (well, mostly because of my family). When Dallas and I were little, we used to put on these stupid dances at family gatherings and during special events. It would inevitably be the latest TLC hit and we’d dance and lip synch while everyone watched. We decided to put on a dance this year for Christmas, and uh, yeah, that’ll be the last. It was really funny though. Everyone was dying laughing while Dallas and I ran through our choreography to the classic “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey. No, there will be no encores. We also played the Lord of the Rings version of Monopoly (yes, we are a geek family) on Christmas Eve and there was much swearing and cheating. So I had a good holiday. Did you?

I went sledding last night with Reggie, Justine and Darius. I dressed like an Eskimo, so for once I was totally warm. It rocked, actually. I love that moment of sheer terror when you pick up that last burst of speed and go careening toward a parked car or something. Really quite fun. Much as I bitched digging my car out of the snow the other day, I’m glad we got some.

2004-12-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

Ha, I got my ticket dismissed today at the clerk magistrate's office. Kiss my ass, officer. Next time you feel the need to ticket someone for failing to stop at a stop sign, put down your donut and make sure they actually didn't stop. I was pleasantly surprised with the whole process. I got a chance to tell my story and someone gave a rat's ass. Usually when you deal with cops, they're never wrong and they don't want to hear shit, and there isn't jack you can do about it. A clerk magistrate is a fabulous invention.

The Red Sox signed former Diamondbacks closer Matt Mantei to a one year $750,000 deal. Need it be said that Theo Epstein is a genius? The major knock on Mantei is his constant state of injured-ness, but when he's healthy, he's nasty. For that price, even if he pitched 3 months, it's totally worth it. Hello, 95mph fastball.

Oh yeah, and New York got Tony Womack and Jaret Wright.

2004-12-03T13:41:00.000-05:00

So, Jason Giambi admitted to using steroids in his released testimony. So did Barry Bonds (“unknowingly.” riiiiight.). In other news, Anna Nicole Smith has admitted to being a dumb whore. The only thing I could think about when I watched the newsflash about it on SportsCenter was this: can we have those 2 homeruns Juicin’ G hit against us in the 2003 ALCS taken back? I like how there’s murmurings that the Yankees will try and void the last 4 years of his contract because he sucks now, under the guise of being outraged and betrayed over his steroid use. When it comes out that Sheffield is also a juicer, I wonder if they’ll try and void his as well? Mm, not likely. Enjoy your PR mess, yankee sluts. As for Barry Bonds and his bad attitude: enjoy the asterisk, asshole.

2004-11-30T14:56:00.000-05:00

I hate after-Thanksgiving sales. Stores always advertise these wondrous prices, only to have like 1 or 2 of the actual item in stock. This disappointment awaits you if you’re stupid enough to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn and sardine your way into Wal-Mart with the rest of the known world. I’m not that dumb, so this year I did what I’ve always wanted: I slept in and then sat on my ass all day long. It’s all about the simple things in life.

I really hope the rumors about Ken Jennings losing this week on Jeopardy are true. I’m so tired of this bastard. It was cool and interesting up until oh, I don’t know, the 40th episode. Now his nightly ball-washings and dipshit smile are getting a bit tedious. You know what would be good television? Watching him get annihilated by some 13-year-old on Teen Jeopardy.

Asshole award: The nice people at Anchor Bay Entertainment, who thought that making the discs in the Xena Season 4 box set overlap with one another would be an ingenious space-saver. Talk about fucking annoying. If you want to get disc 2, you have to pop disc 1 out. If you want disc 4, you have to pop disc 3 out, and so on. Really aggravating. Considering the fact that I paid $52 for the set, there should be no hassle involved in taking the damn DVDs out.

2004-11-10T16:07:00.000-05:00

Beautiful. Ganked from Myr.

2004-11-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Saw wasn’t too bad. Certainly better than The Grudge. Still not impressive, though. I did enjoy the premise – a set of horrible choices each victim has to choose from, with both choices having gruesome outcomes. I actually play that sort of game in the car all the time with my friends..”Would you rather get stabbed in the ass, or shot in the arm”? The choices are not so cut and dry in the movie, but it’s sort of a similar tack. The most annoying thing in the movie was the Super-Elusive-Please-Suspend-Your-Reality-So-This-Works Villain. He should have been caught about 45,078 times and it started to get fucking tedious toward the middle. He must have been a genius of the highest order to have every little corner and angle covered throughout the entire movie without so much as a hair out of place. Right. Now add on the fact that there were a grand total of 2 cops working on the case (a bloody one) the entire time, and yeah, they pushed it. The characters were a little “eh.” I didn’t really come to like any of them all that much – especially the supposed main character, Dr. Gordon. I guess him being tortured was supposed to evoke some sort of emotion for him? Sorry, no.

Oh yeah, the Red Sox parade was fucking awesome. It was like a giant lovefest with 4 million people in attendance. Everyone was high fiving and hugging and shit, which made up for the fact that I had to wake up at the buttcrack of morning on a Saturday. I saw my lover Johnny Damon on the first boat that drove by. Pedro had his mini-me with him, and Kevin Millar through a cowboy hat into the crowd that I was within 4 feet of snatching. Unfortunately, the procession was over far too quickly, but we had a blast anyway. My cousin Reggie got interviewed by MLB.com, and he's on the Red Sox highlights page now. We're champs, bitches!

2004-10-30T07:32:00.000-04:00

Ugh. Waking up at 7am on a Saturday morning sucks ass, no matter what it's for. At least it's for a parade. I'll try and avoid the pepper-bullets. Look for me on TV, I'll be the Red Sox fan waving and screaming. I hate coffee, but I'd take a shot in the vein right now.

2004-10-29T13:02:00.000-04:00

The happiness continues. To all the douchebags writers who keep saying Red Sox Nation has lost its identity now that we won the World Series: kindly eat my ass. We’re enjoying this. Any true fan just wanted to win one so we could finally get the monkey off our backs and just experience baseball nirvana. The nice side benefit is all the curse bullshit and other theories people have tried to make a buck off can finally go to hell. We’re the Champs, bitches.

I’ll be the one at the parade tomorrow wearing the Kevlar bodysuit. Not that I don’t trust my fellow Sox comrades. More like I don’t trust the fucking cops who’ll be policing us. At the Patriots’ parade, I got some soap/beer sprayed in my eyes and it fucking sucked. So I might just wear goggles, but I’m going to party my ass off and try not to get capped with pepper bullets. We’ve wait a long time to dance in Kenmore Square.

Now I have to take the time to say this to all the Hollywood Red Sox bandwagoners (I’m looking at you, Drew Barrymore): GET THE FUCK OFF. The fact that being a Red Sox fan has become chic over these last couple of weeks makes me want to vomit on my keyboard. Unless you’ve survived at least 3 Red Sox cannonballs to the gut, I feel like it’s unfair to fucking celebrate with the rest of us. Citizenship to Red Sox Nation has to be earned, not purchased on the internet or handed to you in the form of free playoff tickets, assholes. Also, hi, Pink Red Sox paraphernalia? Not cute. At all. I like pink, I think it’s a fine color, and I have pink items in my wardrobe. However, we’re not the fucking Pink Sox. Wear the right colors, and if you think it’s too unfeminine to wear a navy blue Varitek t-shirt, don’t fucking wear anything. Matter of fact, go watch The Swan. Thank you, drive through.

And now, a review, for Myriem. Please don’t waste your money on the Grudge. Here’s why.

The Grudge is a steaming pile of shit. Actually, no it isn’t, a steaming pile of shit would actually be remotely interesting when encountered. The Grudge isn’t. The most interesting thing about The Grudge is the fact that it’s set in Japan, and you get to listen to Sarah Michelle Fuckface butcher Japanese. The curse premise is a simple one, but it’s also rooted in Japanese culture – so it needed to stay in Japan. All they really did was re-make the same story, but stick a bunch of white characters in Japan so American audiences wouldn’t be scared. They got the not being scared part right. This movie is full of those annoying fucking cheap scares, like characters heading toward a dark attic after hearing noises, armed with only a lighter.

Like a lot of cheapy scary movies, all the characters are insanely fucking curious and stupid to the nth degree. It’s not hard to get people to jump in their seat when you cut from silent darkness to a loud close-up of a dead person’s head. As for the storyline, I sincerely think the director was smoking Peyote when this movie was being shot. It’s almost as if he was hoping if he crammed in enough inane, out-of-place flashbacks, people would get too confused to realize what a cocksmoke of a movie it is. You didn’t confuse me enough, because I want my fucking $9.50 back.

2004-10-28T01:30:00.000-04:00

RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES.

2004-10-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

We’re one win away. I still don’t know how to feel yet. I know what it’s like to get stabbed in the heart at the last second, so I’m reserved, but not as cynical as people would expect. I believe in this team, and I know they are going to get it done. We’re not the New York Yankees, thank god. I’m just trying to process the fact that WE’RE ONE WIN AWAY FROM BEING WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS. One win away from shutting up all those stupid “1918” chants and references, silencing all that bullshit curse propaganda, and one win away from shedding the label of futility from one of the greatest franchises in all of sports. It’s hard to wrap my brain around. Which sounds retarded, but it’s true.

Reason #5,215 why I love Johnny:

"Hopefully, we can make the dream come true," Boston center fielder Johnny Damon said. "A lot of people say they don't want to die until the Red Sox win a World Series. There could be a lot of busy ambulances tomorrow night.
"Hopefully, they'll get to enjoy it. Everybody is anxious, but nobody is as anxious as our team."

I’ve done everything I can not to jinx them. Just win today. It certainly helps that the Cardinals went to the Bad News Bears School of Base Running. What the fuck was that? Thanks, man, Pedro needed that before he settled in. One more.

2004-10-21T15:05:00.000-04:00

Talk about fucking arrogance. I love this. No, seriously.

Top five NY headlines (in no particular order):
1. The Choke's On Us - NY Daily News
2. Damned Yankees - NY Post
3. Hell Freezes Over
4. Painstripes
5. Socked!

Mwahahahahahaha. That's what you get for being a bunch of smug fuckers.

2004-10-21T13:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve been dying to update since game 3, but I couldn’t because we won game 4 after I didn’t update, and I didn’t want to jinx the comeback mojo. Yes, I’m superstitious as fuck when it comes to baseball. It’s part of being a fan (ask Myr), and it’s not really logically explained to those who aren’t.

What can I say? What an incredible show of determination and guts. It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen, and I’m so proud of them. It’s almost fitting that they did it in Yankee Stadium, climbing out of that 0-3 hole. They slayed the dragon in it’s lair, and then made a coat out of the carcass. Ahhhh. I’ve dreamed about this scenario probably 5,000 times, but nothing I ever imagined could really compare to seeing Ruben Sierra hit that last groundout.

After they won, I drove around the city briefly, and it was really indescribable. People were honking, literally dancing in the streets and high-fiving complete strangers. At 12:01am, an immense burden was lifted off the shoulders of an entire region. All the mocking and jokes and arrogance and asshole comments we’ve endured from the national media and Yankees fans over the years was silenced following one glorious groundout. My asshole neighbor, Joey (who was born and raised in Boston, by the way), who for days had been taunting me as I walked in and out of my house, was pricelessly silent as he sat outside his house today. As much as you might think I’d take pleasure in taunting him (the thought crossed my mind), it was extremely satisfying to say nothing at all. I don’t need to make someone else feel bad to feel good, that’s what Yankees fans do. Also, having Bucky Dent throw out the first pitch was totally classless. Karma is a bitch.

Thank you, David Ortiz. For carrying us when we needed to be carried, for keeping the faith when history and every dumbass on television with a microphone said it was over. Thank you, Johnny Damon, for busting out at the exact moment we needed you. I knew you would. Thank you, Mark Bellhorn, for not letting all the shit talking and boos get to you. No one is going to remember your early ALCS slump, but no one will forget those incredible homers. Thank you Jason Varitek, Orlando Cabrera, Bill Mueller, Kevin Millar, and everyone else who came up with that base hit when we needed it so badly. Thank you to Derek Lowe, for summoning up the courage and cojones to pitch the game of your life when we couldn’t have done it with anything less than that. Thank you, Curt Schilling, for pitching with a busted tendon, for pitching with blood oozing through your sock, for pitching with the heart and courage we knew you had. Now keep doing it for a little while longer.

4 more wins.

2004-10-11T23:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's obvious I'm a lazy slut. I don't really feel any responsibility to any "audience" though. I write because I feel like it, or I need to bitch about something. If I don't, I don't. Anyway.

Am I a bastard because the first thing I thought of when I read about Christopher Reeve dying was Maddox's rant about him being an asshole? I had that same argument before Maddox wrote his, which is mainly that I hate when people crusade for causes only after they have been affected by them. That's mad selfish, just disguised. I remember reading some interview with Christopher Reeve where he was all bitching that people not contributing to stem cell research were basically assholes. Okay, because he was this huge stem cell philanthropist before he became wheelchair bound. Still, it sucks when someone dies young, and he did bring a lot of attention (and money) to the cause.

I admit, as thrilled as I am about the Red Sox advancing to the ALCS against the Yankees, I'm not in the mood for the all the Red Sox/Yankees propaganda bullshit we're going to be subjected to until this is over. I wasn't one of those people rooting for the Yankees over the Twins, but I feel comfortable with having to go through them to get to the Series. Destiny, baby. I don't feel like watching Aaron Boone's homer 10 times during one game, though. Or hearing about Bucky Dent, etc etc. It's aggravating and it's old. Not so much in the violent way, more like in the annoying way all writers think it's clever to title Angelina Jolie articles "Tres Jolie." Ho, ho, fucking brilliant, we've never seen that before. Cockmasters. Anyway, yeah. I'm not looking forward to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver doing their usual Yankee fellatio (especially Jeter) for every game, but unfortunately I have no choice. I always wonder how Joe Buck speaks with Jeter's sack in his mouth. I'm excited despite all that. I don't know what I'm going to do to kill the time between now and tomorrow at 8pm.

3 down, 8 to go.

2004-09-07T16:15:00.000-04:00

The Yankees actually petitioned MLB for a forfeit of the game Tampa Bay missed due to hurricane complications. At first I was pissed they had the gall to pull some shit like that. Now I think it’s a little hilarious (especially because Bud Selig told them to suck a dick). I’m sorry, but their whining reeks of desperation. What a bunch of unsympathetic fuckers. “It’s not our fault your houses are flooded and there’s destruction galore. We have baseball games to play!” All I can say is Karma is going to bite them in the fucking ass one of these days, and I continue to pray for it. Choice tidbits:

"The rule states that if your team is here and ready to play, and the other team isn't here and not ready to play, there should be a forfeit, and we believe there should be a forfeit," Yankees president Randy Levine said.

Thank you, Mr. Levine, for that compassionate misinterpretation. I guess 2 hurricanes back-to-back don’t constitute cause enough to delay a flight and miss a game. How galling of the Devil Rays to inconvenience the Yankees!

In other fun baseball news, Kevin Brown punched a wall in frustration and broke his hand in 2 places. I never root for injuries, because they're the single most annoying thing in baseball, but come on. I remember how pissed I was when New York hosed Los Angeles in getting Kevin Brown. All the Yankee sluts I know were typically smug and arrogant, claiming Brown would be 23-0 with a 1.12 ERA. I reminded them he was a supreme asshole, and god it's great to be right. Between Brown and Mussina, that pitching staff is chock full of fuckers (sorry, Myr). Enjoy the bench, Brown. I'll leave it to the Sox to make my comments for me:

Manny - "He punched a wall? Intentionally? Wow," said the man who has been known to do silly things like play with a water bottle in his back pocket, but has never come close to committing Brown's stupidity."

Johnny - "What happened to Kevin Brown?" asked Damon. Informed of the gory details, Damon seemed sufficiently stunned. "That's kind of...that's not...that's kind of weird," he stuttered, all the while keeping a straight face. Away from the media glare, when the doors close and human nature takes root, the Red Sox must snicker as they watch baseball's latest soap opera from the outside. "

2004-09-02T10:44:00.000-04:00

This week kind of sucks. It’s not a pay week and I can’t think of a whole lot to get excited about besides the Red Sox continuing to surge. But I’ll get to that later. I wish whatever middle-management-executive-wannabe that came up with the idea to pay people every 2 weeks to save a couple of dollars would get kicked in the nuts publicly. Then everyone who gets paid bi-weekly and hates it would get a chance to whack his ass. Besides, last time I checked, direct depositing was free – so give me my goddamn money.

Kobe is a free man, it seems. I’m trying to push my dislike for him as a Laker aside and be objective here. I can’t really say whether or not I thought he raped her, because there was really zero evidence talked about in the media. So if she was really a gold-digging bitch, good for Kobe. I hate people who try to make a buck without lifting a finger. On the other hand, if he really did rape her and got away with it because she was too scared to testify, then that really sucks ass. Either way, at least it’s over. Now we don’t have to hear about it every fucking night on Sportscenter. The next time we hear about Kobe Bryant, it will be when the Lakers start the season 0-25. Mwahahaha.

The Red Sox are surging, and it’s at the perfect time. I’m starting to get excited, I admit. My Dad is hilariously tempered in his excitement. He always takes the wait-and-see approach until the last minute, and then he lets his hope shine through. I think he thinks that if he holds back, the pain of losing won’t be as harsh and swift – but he’s always wrong. It doesn’t matter when or how, but as soon as you open yourself up to hope, and the belief that you might actually fucking win, you’re available for bone-crushing heartbreak. I’m learning to deal with this fact. An asshole co-worker of mine (who’s also a bandwagon Yankees fan) always says that Red Sox fans are the biggest suckers on the planet, pain mavens who keep coming back for more. At this point, I don’t give a fuck. You might as well believe.

2004-08-29T13:10:00.000-04:00

Saw Hero last night. It was fantastic, and beautifully shot. I had the good fortune to be in the theater with complete morons, though, who felt the need to laugh at both the Chinese speaking (it’s subtitled) and the fighting style, which was old school fantasy style – for the entire fucking movie. Really, assholes, was it hilarious for 2 hours? It was aggravating to have people giggling during intense battle scenes, but we all know the general population is a mass of retards. Great, great movie. Highly recommended.

USA Basketball sucks ass. Fucking bronze medal, are you serious? I’m sorry, but that’s a disgrace. The greatest professional basketball players in the universe, and we can’t even put together a team that can beat a country whose best player is Pau fucking Gasol. Ugh. I’d like to dedicate a big thank you to all the NBA stars that couldn’t get off their fat asses to represent the country that allows them to be paid like Trump doing a job that’s about as socially important as Dance Dance Revolution. Fuckers.

I had a dream last night that I got to sit in the dugout with the Red Sox. It was during a game, but then there was a rain delay. I remember I tried to talk to Manny, but he didn’t find my jokes funny. Plus I was incredibly nervous talking to him. Weird, yes. Baseball is getting pretty exciting though. It helps that the Red Sox are playing like the bench is on fire. I love it. A win for my birthday?

2004-08-25T23:43:00.000-04:00

Well, the State of Massachusetts gave me permission to ride a motorcycle on Thursday. Monday was my first lesson on my bike with my stepfather, and it pretty much rocked. I had some trouble at first with the clutch/1st gear. Once I got that (with minimal swearing), it was a lot of fun. Still a bit scary, but that good scariness where you’re enjoying it but respecting it. I felt like Batgirl on that thing. My helmet should get here on Friday, then I can stop wearing my stepdad's biker helmet. I look like a royal dick in it, to say the least.

Jury duty sucked ass right up until the moment they picked the panel. I'm not supposed to say anything about the case (because it continues tomorrow), so I won't, but leaving potential jurors in a white walled room with no entertainment whatsoever for 4 hours is not the best method of bringing out my attentive skills. I felt a serious case of ADD coming on just when they called us. It is pretty nice to get out of work, though. Half day tomorrow? One can only hope.

Don't look now, but the Red Sox are finally playing like we all thought they could. Whither Nomar? Well, it eases the pain a bit, definitely. That and the fact that I no longer have to pretend that Mia Hamm doesn't irk the shit out of me. Fucking bitch had all of her teammates trade in their Red Sox caps for Cubs caps. What about when Nomar signs elsewhere this winter? Gonna make them all swap again, bitch?

Just. Keep. Winning.

2004-08-23T13:35:00.000-04:00

Wow, my blogger page is all dusty. Myriem asked me why I hadn’t been updating, and I had no good reason, so I decided to remedy that. Okay, and the Red Sox are playing well, that had a small thing to do with it.

I finally saw Love Actually yesterday. I liked it, but there were some…things. For some odd reason hardly any of the character names stuck with me. I wanted to belt Laura Linney’s character across the head. Carl was brutally hot…and she was on his lap for crissakes. Fuck your brother! I think he can survive a night without you. And please god, change your fucking Nokia ring tone. I kept wondering if that married guy was going to fuck his assistant. We had to keep pausing it, so I might have missed some clues on that one. How fucking cool was it that the object of the little kid’s affection was a little mixed girl? Beautiful little half black, half white girl, thank you very much. Loved the Portuguese chick/Colin Firth couple. I’m sorry, but Natalie was not fat. I don’t know what size scale they use in England…but fat she was not. Bitches. Glad I saw it, though, it was a great time. I dig those multiple SL comedies, kind of like Playing by Heart.

I’m taking a Tae Kwon Do class starting in September. I’m pretty excited about it, actually. I got a green belt when I did Karate a long time ago, and I was always pissed about not continuing it. I wonder if my teacher would object to me calling him Pai Mei.

Thank you jesus, the Red Sox are finally getting it together. Once again, I feel that little surge of hope in me. Do it for me this year, boys? Please?

2004-08-06T15:59:00.000-04:00

He was Rick James, bitch. RIP Supa Freak.

2004-08-06T15:22:00.000-04:00

So Bush is now opposed to legacy admissions. I find that one fucking hilarious, considering the fact that he’s a 3rd generation Yale alumni who had notoriously bad grades. Guess now that he’s milked it, he’s prepared to drop it to gain political favor. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I can’t believe I paid $120 for a pair of Nike Shox, but I’m more amazed at the fact that they are so worth it. No, seriously. My foot is totally and completely cushioned, and I have a nice bounce in my step. It’s like having $120 feet sex all day long. I might sleep with them on.

I wish I could give a shit about baseball right now. I still watch all the painful Red Sox games, mostly because I’m a moron and a sadist. Every time I feel like I might have a positive “turn around” post in me, they lose a couple of games and I want to break my television with a Louisville Slugger.

I saw Maria Full of Grace yesterday. Great movie. The Spanish was gorgeous to listen to. I liked that fact that the movie was okay with being simple. There was none of that over-aggressive, let’s-force-action-and-bullshit-into-every-scene that you get half the time with Hollywood. I discovered there’s no way in hell I could be a Colombian drug mule. I think prostituting is more my desperation job of choice. Either that or robbery.

2004-08-05T13:44:00.000-04:00

Back from Martha’s Vineyard. It basically rocked. Except for the 2 days it rained, we went to the beach every day. I love that about my family, we’re totally satisfied to sit on the beach for most of the day, relaxing. I never understand all those people that go sightseeing or shopping on sunny days. We jumped off the bridge at State Beach a few times. I think I’m getting wussier in my old age. A few years ago, I used to jump from the top railing, and I’d leap to get even higher before plunging into the water. This year, I was all scared and had to mentally talk myself into doing it. It’s probably about a 15 foot jump, but it feels much bigger when you’re teetering up there. I have all these bruises and scratches on my legs from South Beach. One day the waves were fucking enormous, so I have plenty of battle scars now. I miss it already.

So everyone’s been asking me how I feel about the Nomar trade. I found out about it on the ferry home from Martha’s Vineyard, and I totally admit I cried for a good ten minutes. I always thought of Nomar and Red Sox Nation as a couple. At times we could be obsessed and insecure, but most of the time, it was a love affair like no other. Even Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez don’t get the kind of ovations Nomar got when he came to the plate at Fenway Park. Hearing the announcer say his name never failed to send shivers down my back. Pretty much all of Boston loved the California boy with OCD. Then things began to change, like they always do. Truthfully, I don’t want to remember all the bullshit of the last couple of years – all the media griping back and forth, the injuries, the missed opportunities, the disappointment, the realities of professional sports. I definitely don’t want to think about the stories that have come out lately, lending credence to the theories that Nomar was dogging it with his injury and had nearly demanded a trade. It may be utterly lame, but I want to remember Nomar in a Red Sox uniform (especially the 1997-2001 Nomar) as the greatest shortstop we’ve had in forever. Passionate, insanely talented, and a real privilege to watch. If I can stomach seeing him in any other uniform, it’s the Chicago Cubs. I just don’t know what to do with the Nomar poster above my shelf. Goodbye #5.

2004-07-19T19:06:00.000-04:00

Talk about a shit storm:

A man smoking in a portable toilet lit up more than a cigarette. The potty exploded Tuesday when a buildup of methane gas mixed with the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.

Okay, come on, how did the medical staff not crack up when he walked in? I would have hosed his ass off before I admitted him. Can you imagine the stench of burnt shit and smoke that he must have been reeking of?

2004-07-14T12:45:00.000-04:00

So I went to the dentist yesterday. I’d been putting it off because basically going to the dentist sucks ass. Anyway, got my teeth cleaned, fine. The dentist lady was like..”Ooh, your wisdom teeth grew in nice and straight. We’re going to have to extract all four of them.” I’m like, what the fuck, thanks for the surprise there, bitch. I can deal with pretty much any kind of pain except dental pain. I never cried when I got shots, or when I broke my arm three times, none of that. But dentist stuff makes me squirm. The worst part is they can only pull like 2 at a time, so I have to make two appointments to get all the painful yanking done. Yay.

Well, the AL nabbed home field advantage last night. I had a gut feeling Roger Clemens was going to get slapped around. I shoulda put money on that. I’m sorry, but it was disgusting how many Yankees were at the All-Star game. Why don’t we just put the AL team in pinstripes to make it easier for everyone? Assholes. Also, hi, Yankees? Can you all stop acting like this is a dodgeball game and you can pick whoever you want for your team? Mariano Rivera is all..”We need Randy Johnson. I’m not sure we can win it all with what we have now.” You can’t? Motherfucker, you practically have an All-Star squad. If you can’t win with that, too bad.

I think I’m going to fix and then sell my clunky laptop and get a new one. I want something really thin and light than can just do the basics: mp3’s, internet, email. I can’t afford to get a new desktop yet, so I might just throw a couple of hundred along with my old laptop and get something more portable. I need to hit the lottery.

2004-07-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how much calmer one can become after a 5 game winning streak. Anyway, yeah. The Red Sox still need to pick it up, but at least they showed some fucking pride this week.

Today is the Home Run Derby. I love watching it because I can enjoy seeing opposing players launch without being pissed that the Red Sox gave up a home run. David Ortiz is in the contest, I hope he does well and doesn't hurt himself. Note to gringo fucking media outlets/sportswriters: David Ortiz's nickname is "Big Papi", not "Big Poppy." Jesus. What kind of nickname is that? What is he, a giant fucking muffin? Dipshits.

I really want to see Maria Full of Grace. Apparently it's coming out in NY and LA this week. Which doesn't really help me at all, but maybe that means it'll be coming out elsewhere soon. I don't know what it is about foreign films (spanish speaking in particular) that I like so much...I think it's partly the fact that they don't have expensive effects and CGI to fall back on if the story sucks. So it's usually decent.

Does anyone really give a fuck about Britney and Kevin Federline? And is Federline pig latin for "mooch" and "male concubine" or what? Seriously. He's not even cute. Britney can buy better dick than that. She totally downgraded. Giving up Justin Timberlake for Kevin Federline is like trading in your Range Rover for a Kia Sephia or something.

2004-07-03T00:17:00.000-04:00

I am so frustrated right now. I've been avoiding this, waiting for a good win or something to write about, to have some fucking optimism. I knew if I posted after a loss (or a sweep to the motherfucking yankees) it'd be nothing but pure venom. Well, I've had it. I've never seen such a talented club suck so badly. It seems like by the fifth inning of every game lately, they're all grabbing their ankles when they should be sacking up. The last two months of Boston Red Sox baseball has been a horrifying foray into complete and utter assclownery. Errors, bases loaded goose eggs, bitch pitching, blown saves, strikeouts by the dozen...it's ugly. I'm fucking, fucking sick of it. I'm tired of taking abuse from Yankee-bitch co-workers, watching them snicker at the water cooler until I want to ram my stapler into their throat. I'm tired of listening to the radio in the car in traffic, running home to catch an inning, staying up late for extra innings, and getting shit in return except a nice, hard kick in the tits every time. Fuck them. Show me something, or leave me the fuck alone. I feel like an abused girlfriend who keeps stupidly returning to her abusive boyfriend. Please, Red Sox, show me it's worth getting punched in the teeth every now and then. Or fuck off.

2004-06-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

Off to Chicago with Sooz and Myr. Hopefully I’m not sitting next to any assholes on the plane. I really don’t enjoy flying. Combine claustrophobia with a headache-inducing plastic smell and it’s never a fun adventure. It’s totally worth it, though. Chi-town here I come. This is gonna be fun.

Maybe the motherfucking Red Sox will learn how to win some games while I’m gone. Hasta Monday.

2004-06-22T12:30:00.000-04:00

I haven’t felt like updating at all lately. I think part of that is because there’s been nothing but boring shit going on in sports lately. While I’m happy the Pistons knocked off (and broke up) the Lakers, it hardly inspired me to write something about it. Shinnecock? Eh. Wimbledon? Whatevs. Red Sox? Bitches.

I will risk Myriem’s wrath and talk about the Baltimore Orioles for a moment, though. As much as I call the Red Sox bitches (when it's deserved), the Baltimore Orioles have become the Yankees’ whipping boys since that little New York brat snatched away their playoff hopes back in ’96. No, seriously.

After the homerun that wasn’t, it was like the Yankees played Fat Bastard to the O’s Austin Powers and totally stole their mojo. First the Yankees yoinked away their ace, Mike Mussina, then they proceeded to beat them like a red-headed stepchild. The Orioles always seem to put up a valiant fight against the Red Sox, trotting out 5+ ERA guys who throw like Cy Youngs…getting homeruns from dipshits like David “DL” Segui and fucking Jerry noodle bat Hairston. All of that promptly ends once the pinstriped sluts roll into town. It’s like they stand there, pissing their pants, forgetting how to play baseball because they’re envisioning the beating the Yankees are going to give them. It’s disgusting man. I’ll never forget the sight of Jack Cust bellyflopping the winning run away as he tried to run home against the Yankees last year. He would have scored easily, but oh no. Anyway, the Yankees are playing their bitches starting tonight. I think the Orioles are already practicing bending over.

2004-06-09T12:35:00.000-04:00

The Nomar watch should end this week. Halellujah! Shit, I was forgetting what good old number 5 looked like twitching and shit at the plate. Welcome back, baby. Also, Pedro pitched like Pedro last night, and all is well with the right arm of God. Now if Timmy can knuckle down and keep this streak going, we’ll be rolling. I’m not a huge fan of interleague play, but we still have to win the games. At least the Braves finally suck this year. The Red Sox always get shafted playing the Braves, their “natural rivals” (my ass) while the Yankees get to slap around the Mets every year. I admit, I am kind of excited to see the Sox play the Giants. I wonder if we’ll be walking Barry Bonds like every other team. I hope Pedro and/or Schilling get to face him.

I bought Classic Zelda for my gameboy. I couldn’t resist. It was only 17 bucks and it was calling my name. I’m close to beating it, and I swear it gets better every time. I just laid the smack down on level 7.

Ew, J-Lo married Marc Anthony. I don’t see the point of everyone harping on this being her third marriage. I think we all realize marriages rarely last. But Marc Anthony? He is NOT cute. He’s kind of bitchy looking, in my opinion. Ojani Noa, now he was hot. P. Diddy? Eh. Ben Affleck? Cute. Marc Anthony? No. At least now that Bennifer crap will end. Seriously, that was clever for 1.5 seconds, then every publication and dipshit with a website ran it into the ground.

2004-06-03T15:02:00.000-04:00

I refuse to waste space talking about the Red Sox. Suffice to say they’re fucking bitches.

So they confirmed that the pickled heart is Louis XVII’s. I’m such a sucker for monarchies and royal intrigue. Louis XVII got screwed up the ass, though. At least now he’ll get a royal burial and shit.

Does anyone give a shit about the NBA Finals? Anyone at all? I didn’t think so.

I usually don’t believe anything I see in tabloids when I’m shopping at the supermarket, but those pictures of Kirstie Alley are pretty horrifying. I don’t see how they could photoshop that kind of hagitude. It’s not really the fact that she’s fatter, it’s just that she looks like a fucking banshee or something. What happened to her face? She must have missed her botox appointments for the last 3 years or something. Ugh. Kirstie, sweetie...that’s what plastic surgery is for.

Well, the divorce papers for me and Cingular Wireless are nearly complete. It’s for the best. Fuckers.

2004-05-25T12:48:00.000-04:00

Doesn’t it look like Ben Affleck just ate Trot Nixon, and he’s fixing to inhale Nomar? Be careful with the merchandise, Ben.

Apparently Arn Tellum is engaging in some contract goodwill with Boston:

"He wants to stay here and I personally would like to see him stay here," Tellem said. "You can see the outpouring here. Everyone wants him to stay here and I know both sides would like him to stay and I believe in the end that's what will happen."

I’m not going to lie. When I read this I got all happy and relieved. Honestly, though, you have to take it at face value – it’s an agent. It’s certainly a lot better than hearing that Nomar is definitely gone, though. Sign the man! 4 years/$50 million sounds about right, with an option for a 5th year.

Trade rumors swirl. Blue Jays’ Carlos Delgado ($19 mil) for Dodgers’ Juan Encarnacion ($3.5 mil) and a prospect. Well, that would make beating up on the Jays a lot easier. Encarnacion isn’t all that, though…so I’m thinking it’s going to be a decent prospect, even though Delgado is a FA at the end of the season.

2004-05-24T15:20:00.000-04:00

What the hell is wrong with Derek Jeter? His batting average is .190. It’s getting to the point where I almost feel bad for him. It’s no fun to make fun of someone who’s utterly and completely pathetic. That’s like knocking the disabled kid off his wheelchair. You just feel like a bastard afterwards. I mean, I always knew he was vastly overrated (and I am enjoying his horrible, horrible slump a little), but this is beyond all that. Someone over at nyyfans.com asked if people would trade Nomar for Jeter straight up, pretending their contracts were exactly the same. Some choice delusional tidbits:

“nope. those 4 rings on Jeter's hand mean alot more then the minimal upgrade Nomar would provide.”

Right, because…Jeter earned those 4 rings all by himself. It had nothing to do with the barrage of talent surrounding him since the day he broke into the majors, of course not.

“Nomar is one hell of a player. But Jeter's got 4 championship rings.
I don't think I'd make that trade. FA signing maybe.”

“We don't trade our great players(or u can say good players).
We just signs others.”

Again, people…Jeter didn’t magically and singlehandedly win 4 rings for the Yankees. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot about his “intangibles.” And typical Yankees fans with that FA signing remark. I’ll celebrate the day a marquee free agent the Skanks are interested in tells them he wants no part of the dipshit train.

2004-05-21T17:43:00.000-04:00

Johnny shaved!

Caveman:

Sexyman:

Also, Ortizzle signed a 2-year (with an option) contract extension. This makes me happy.

2004-05-20T15:56:00.000-04:00

If this doesn’t make you love Petey, nothing will:

“Lowe had some difficulty explaining his recent woes because he was distracted by Pedro Martinez engaging in some pregame hijinks. Martinez was running naked in circles within the clubhouse, saying he was doing "rally laps."

"I have a hard time talking with this guy running around butt naked," Lowe said.”

That’s a hilarious image…and for some reason I can see it so very clearly. I love Pedro.

Unfortunately, the waiting game for Nomar and Trot continues. It’s been so long, I feel like we’re going to be trading Cesar Crespo and Gabe Kapler for Nomar Garciaparra and Trot Nixon. Oh god, just saying that makes me feel better. Within two weeks is what they say, and I want desperately to believe that. I’ll go insane if I have to look at Crappo and Crappler much longer.

Today has been really weird and kind of shitty. I think I’m about to divorce Cingular wireless, and the idea of wading through the various cell phone company plans in order to not be ripped off is something I’m not in the mood for. Oh yay, shall I choose between the annoying as fuck “Can you hear me now?” guy’s company…or corpse-fucker Catherine Zeta Jones’s T-Mobile “get more”? Blah.

2004-05-18T23:03:00.000-04:00

Randy Johnson pitches a PERFECTO.

Give it up for the mullet man's masterpiece.

2004-05-18T13:40:00.000-04:00

$2 a gallon for gas. Totally fucking ridiculous. If I didn't need a car for my job, I swear to god I'd drive it once in a blue moon. I'm really getting tired of being anally violated every time I go to the pump (which is still only once every two weeks or so). I keep getting emails about grassroots "No Gas Day" and shit like that. It would be rad if that crap actually worked, where the oil companies would have their thumbs up their asses if we didn't buy...but somehow I doubt everyone in America is going to stop buying gas for an entire day. Even if they did, I still doubt the plan would work. But it's nice to dream about consumer revenge, isn't it? I think I'm going to ask my uncle about how he used to steal gas in the 70's.

God, what I wouldn't give to get a pass into E3. So the screenshots for the Nintendo DS and Sony PSP are out. Based on looks alone, the Sony PSP looks a lot nicer. It's sleek and sexy, while the Nintendo DS looks like a clunky piece of shit. Most people (nerds) are more excited about the Nintendo DS, though, because it seems to offer more opportunity for innovation with the dual screens, while the PSP is just a portable playstation 2. I'm sure Nintendo will get the DS's ass back into the design studio, because that thing is butt ugly right now.

Clear Channel sucks.

2004-05-17T13:48:00.000-04:00

Pretty decent interview with Nomar in the Globe yesterday. It didn't really tell me anything new, but there were some fun parts. I'm really going to be heartbroken if he leaves next year. I mean, I'm as cynical as they come, but Nomar's not only my husband, but he IS the Red Sox. That would be a tough blow. Choice tidbits:

"A nurse with straight blond hair and a thick north-of-Boston accent, she comes up to the table, says, "I don't want to bother you, but . . ." and then plops down in an empty seat next to him. She hands him a silver pen to sign his autograph. The pen leaks blue ink all over his right hand. As he calmly tries to clean off his index and middle fingers, an unapologetic Mary Jane says in a slow, monotone voice, "It's my birthday -- 36. How old are you?""

That's hilarious. He should wiped his hands on her shirt.

"Nomar stresses that he doesn't want to dwell on the trade saga. But press hard enough, and it's clear the sting is still there. "It's like your wife says, 'I'm going to get rid of you for a new husband.'[Long pause] 'Damn it! I couldn't find anybody in time! I thought I had one, but you know what, on second thought, we couldn't come to terms. Darn it! [Another long pause] Um, I want you back now. I want you back now to take care of our kids. We're all right, right? OK, good. Everything's cool, right? I know I said you were a bad husband, but I didn't mean it.'"

For the record, I would like to say that I never wanted Johnny Come Lately Alex Rodriguez. I only hope Nomar can separate business and personal and stay. Because really, he wasn't the main trading piece...the Sox were very clearly trying to move Manny's salary. Nomar just became the innocent bystander whirled into the fray. Take us back, baby....we've always loved you.

""It's bad enough with our last name," she told her husband, "and then to give him a name like Nomar."

Awww, I've grown to love the name Nomar. It's got sentimental value for me.

So, decent article. I hate even thinking about Nomar and free agency. When it comes to Nomar Garciaparra, Red Sox fans are like psychopathic girlfriends. Does he still love us? Will he stay?! He's leaving me, oh god, I just know it. Baby, do you love me? Are you leaving?

For now, I'm going to just look forward to seeing him on the field, adjusting his batting gloves. June 1st, please hurry.

2004-05-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

File under Fucked Up:

In the "ouch" department: Closer Eddie Guardado was asked by a Minneapolis columnist Tuesday whether, if he had it to do over, he'd have signed with the Seattle Mariners as a free agent. "I'm not going to lie," Guardado said. "No." ... -tribnet.com

There are some times you just shouldn't be honest. So nice of him to stand tall while Seattle goes through a rough stretch. Seattle's lucky, though, because god forbid a player in Boston had said that...it'd be front page everywhere and discussed endlessly.

Right now the Red Sox are playing like shit. I'm becoming fucking annoyed by the inconsistency. Nomar, Trot...where for art thou.

In other news...Roger Clemens is 7-0 with a 2-something ERA. I mean...I have really mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he's a traitorous bastard. If he were a soldier in my army, I'd have him gutted and strung up as a warning to others. The thing is..he jilted the Yankees and is now kicking ass while their pitching is one injury away from slow-pitch softball. That endears him to me, just a tiny bit. Plus, he's 41 and it's a pretty amazing story. I'll have to see how I feel about it after the All-Star break.

The virus continues to ravage my computer. I'm trying to get as much stuff backed up between reboots and slow-downs, but I'm starting to lose my patience with it. Re-formatting is on the horizon. I'd like 10 minutes alone with the bastards who write shitty ad viruses and things of the like.

2004-05-10T16:08:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I don’t like Blogger’s new look. It’s all fruity and unnecessary. Reminds me of AOL versions 5-9 and Apple computers.

I know this is old, but I’m still cracking up over Moises Alou admitting to pissing on his hands to toughen them. I mean…Moises, that goes into the category of “keep it to yourself.” And then, Jorge Posada pipes in and says he does it too. They should make a club. Or piss on each other’s hands. I think the variety of piss would help, no?

From SI.com:

Clyde Haberman of the New York Times points out that a minimum-wage worker in the state of New York would have to work 82 full weeks to earn what Alex Rodriguez makes by playing a single inning with the Yankees.

That’s just depressing. Also, does anyone really need to make that much money playing baseball? I’m all for capitalism, but damn.

The Sox are still at Fenway. BK’s on the mound tonight. Can we get a little fucking consistency, please? (I’m looking at you, Derek, Kim, Pedro). Time to shove our bats up some Ohio ass.

2004-05-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

I've always hated Howard Stern. I don't think his overly crude, primitive, disgusting crap is funny and I never have. Now I have another reason to dislike him:

"(Anna Nicole) Smith claims she was supposed to be a guest on the radio show, where she was planning on demanding an apology from Stern during her first appearance on the program after her 69 pound weight loss. She told the Extra crew, "What he said to me was very hurtful. I don't think it's right and I wanted to go in there and tell him that. "Howard Stern wouldn't let us film inside but said they would film us and I think it's ridiculous." The whole episode ended with a nasty telephone tirade between Smith and Stern, during which the model blasted, "Oh, f**k you Howard. You owe me an apology. You called me a big fat porker pig and tried to get me up on a scale. Does that get you off to call people fat? F**k off, Howard!" -imdb.com

Anna Nicole Smith can be really painful to watch, and she probably should have known better than to go on his digusting show when she wasn't a size 0 with DDD tits, but I'm glad she fucking told him off. I remember once, he had Lucy Lawless on the show, and started in asking her all these tasteless things like if she lets Rob Tapert fuck her in the ass, or if she likes to "slide" (fuck) when she's having her period. Hate that man. Only thing thats worse than him is his giggling slut of a sidekick, Robin.

If I ever run into Howard Stern, I'll be sure to belt him. That said, I think the censorship shit around his show is totally ridiculous, and I'd back his right to say whatever he wants every day of the week. Asinine as it usually is.

(Red Sox finally won, thank you Jesus/Johnny.)

2004-05-05T15:37:00.000-04:00

Five in a row.

You know what's the worst about losing streaks like this, besides the obvious? All the smarmy fuckers who avoided you before (mostly Yankees fans, but there is one obnoxious Oakland fan here too) now come out of the woodwork and suddenly want to talk about baseball again. That pisses me off. If you want to talk baseball, fine, but don't mention it only when it gives you the opportunity to fucking gloat like an ass about it. I wasn't acting like a bastard when we were winning and had the best record, so there's no reason for everyone else to have reasons to mention the Red Sox at the very moment they go on a bad losing streak. Coincidence? Yeah fucking right.

MLB baseball, as part of a marketing agreement with Columbia pictures and Marvel Studios, is going to feature Spiderman 2 logo bases and a Spiderman 2 logo on-deck circle during interleague games in June. Ugh. Sometimes I really fucking hate advertising. Now I get to watch Manny Ramirez warm up standing over a giant Spiderman logo? Nomar (god willing) is going to be stepping on what, a fucking picture of Spiderman's head while he's turning a double play? This is almost as bad as watching the Yankees and Devil Rays wear those horrible Ricoh helmets and sleeve patches during opening weekend this year. I hope this doesn't create some kind of trend, the field should be fucking sacred.

My sister told me that Brad Pitt had a leg double in Troy. That really sucks, because he looked brutally hot in those previews. He still is, but now I keep picturing these scrawny legs. I love that scene where the guy yells "Achilles!" and he busts forward with his sword and shield. Mm. Play it again.

2004-05-04T15:33:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox have lost four games in a row. Fucking fuckers. The baseball might as well be a pea, and the pitcher might as well be Cy Young, because right now they look like fucking little leaguers at the plate and I can’t bear to watch it. That’s all I have to say about that.

Does anyone give a crispy crap about the NBA playoffs? Seriously. I mean, I definitely watched the Spurs/Lakers game on Sunday night, but that’s about the only series match up that will keep me from changing the channel. The New Jersey Nets scored 56 points in the entire game against the Detroit Pistons in game 1. Now there’s excitement. If I wanted to watch people score once every ten minutes, I’d watch soccer. Not to mention there's like a week between every game. Way to keep the intrigue going, asshats. Call me for Spurs/Lakers game 2. Also, Tim Duncan and Tony Parker need to get into my bed right now. Spurs in 6.

Janeane Garofalo was blonde on The Daily Show last night. Definitely a little jarring at first. I’m not sure I like it, but I’ll have to look at it again. She seems like such a born brunette, maybe that’s why she decided to flip the script and go golden.

2004-04-28T12:27:00.000-04:00

I’ve been a total lazy bastard about updating, but I do have a decent reason for a couple of the days. I was about to update after the Sox beat the Yankees in that first game last weekend, but then the superstitious side of me remembered that the last time I’d done that, the Sox lost the next game. So I figured I’d not do that and they’d win. It worked, natch. Sweeping the Bronx bitches always feels good, April, May, June, whenever.

So we’re 12-6, and BK comes back to pitch for the first time this season during tomorrow’s doubleheader against Tampon Bay. This is exciting news. More pitching = happy Xe. Also, Trot Nixon played in a minor league game last night. God it’s ABOUT TIME. I can’t bear the sight of the David McCarty/Cesar Crespo/Mark Bellhorn craptrio much longer. At least fucking Bellhorn walks, Crespo and McCarty are currently serving as the team’s resident rally killers and designated outters. Fuckers.

The Celtics got swept by the Pacers in the first round of the NBA finals. Wow, I didn’t see that one coming – was this the same Celtics team that lost it’s last 6 games before tripping into the playoffs on an Eastern Conference suckage technicality? The worst part of this whole shitty situation is, we sucked horribly all season, through the sham that we call the Eastern Conference playoffs…and we don’t even get a lottery pick to compensate for our disgusting lack of talent. Ugh.

People are just now realizing that American Idol is totally fucking lame? Wow, I should have patented that thought like 3 years ago.

2004-04-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

Rhino gets amorous with car. That's just hilarious right there. Naturally I had a rather vivid image of a Rhino buttfucking a Volvo...at least the guy drove away before he needed a car wash.

I think I'm in love with Keith Foulke. Saves: 4/4. ERA: 0.75.

I hate the fucking Sky Dome. It is definitely one of the worst stadiums in all of baseball (and it's in Canada, no less). There's like 200 people there on game nights, it's practically silent, that astroturf/concrete shit they have up there scares me the whole game...and it's domed. Ugh. Thankfully tonight is the last game up there for awhile.

Ken sent me his copy of Fables to check out, and I like it so far. I haven't read comic books in years, but this one is pretty cool. I felt like a total idiot because I didn't get the whole Fables thing until I was about 3 pages in and they started mentioning Prince Charming and Snow White and shit - but I think that was part of the appeal.

I used to think the unbalanced schedule in MLB was fine, but now it's getting a little tedious. We play New York again tomorrow, and we've played Baltimore like 6 times already. I'm actually not all that excited about playing the Yankee$ - not because I think we'll lose (we did whoop 'em last time) - but because there's hardly been enough layoff since the last meeting to get excited about it. We haven't played ONE non-AL East team yet and it's getting a bit boring. Maybe it's time to switch it up.

2004-04-21T15:46:00.000-04:00

"Ice, Ice Baby" got voted one of the worst songs of all time? Oh come on…that’s like claiming you hated New Kids on the Block when meanwhile, you owned all 5 of those huge picture buttons. I’m all for admitting lameness, but let’s not act like that song wasn’t a number 1 hit when it came out. I remember my Dad got me tickets to see Vanilla Ice at the Wang (ha) Center in Boston, and I was the talk of school…especially when I came in the next day wearing a Vanilla Ice concert T-shirt. Now, in retrospect, he’s a humongous tool. At the time he was the coolest thing happening along with Kris Kross. A lot of their picks aren’t in retrospect at all…that’s like all of the sudden voting 8-tracks as the worst piece of music technology ever.

Also, “We Didn’t Start the Fire”? Hello, that song is classic. I remember diligently trying to learn all the words…once you can sing the entire song without missing a beat, it gets even better.

Agreed:
Rollin’, Limp Bizkit. Well, shit, you might as well delete the “Rollin’” part and just leave Limp Bizkit as the worst of all time. Fred Durst needs to be impaled on a spiked pole.

Achy Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus. I HATE THIS FUCKING SONG.

I’d also add:
Spanish rap. All of it.

2004-04-20T15:08:00.000-04:00

So the Sox B team rallied to beat the Yanks yesterday. It was sweet, because I had zero expectations going into the game. They had their #1A starter, and we had our #6, not to mention a bunch of black hole bats in our lineup. I’ll be the happiest chick alive when I see Nomar and Trot back on the field.

A-Rod continued to suck balls through the entire series. Bronson Arroyo got him out on 3 consecutive breaking balls that were nowhere near the strike zone in the 6th inning of yesterday’s game. I was scared for a minute there when he came up in the 9th with the Yanks down by one. Just a single. He looked so terrible through the whole series you almost had to feel bad for him – almost. We are talking about the AL MVP here and he’s going to be mashing sooner or later…so I’m going to enjoy his thorough suckitude.

The Patriots traded for Cincy RB Corey Dillon yesterday. I was happy to hear that because poor Tom Brady hasn’t had a running back worth a damn the whole time he’s been the starter. He’s going to be that much fucking better next year with a back who can gain more than 1 yard per carry. This also makes the upcoming draft more interesting. Now we don’t have to worry about grabbing a RB, maybe we’ll trade those picks and move up to grab Sean Taylor out of Miami? Damn that would be good.

I just remembered today is my mother and stepfather’s anniversary – after my mom mentioned it on the phone. Shit.

2004-04-16T23:08:00.000-04:00

SOX WIN.

A few things: STOP THAT SCOOTER SHIT. If a kid/retard can't figure out what a fastball is, they shouldn't be watching baseball, they should be watching NASCAR. That was the worst animation in the world.

Buck/McCarver: In your constant mentioning of all the Sox defeats in big game 7's, you forgot about game 7 of the 1986 ALCS, BITCHES. What, does that not count? I think you left your lips in Steinbrenner's ass. Fuckers.

The new "lead" graphic: horrible. Fucking horrible. Whoever came up with that idea should be fired. We don't need some fucking lame ass colored bar to tell us how far off first base a runner is. Why don't you focus on getting the camera on the fucking batter rather than zooming in on Johnny Damon's hair every other second.

Fox: What kind of trade off of questions is
1. Red Sox fans, who is the most hated Yankee?
2. Yankees fans, which player will help your team most this year?

What the fuck is that shit? How about you ask us something about our team instead of trying to force the inferiority complex thing down our throats.

1 down, 18 to go.

2004-04-14T21:58:00.000-04:00

Damn I'm good. Bobby Jones got the boot today. Come back when you learn how to throw strikes, bitch. Nothing pisses me off more. Worst BJ ever.

Oh my god, I just found a wallpaper of Legolas that...oh. Yes. I'm not sure what it is about him...maybe it's the way he fucking rocks with a bow and arrow. Or the way he constantly saves everyone's asses...or the blonde hair? Orlando Bloom was hot before, but Legolas needs to get into my bed right next to Boromir (Myr, I'm kidding. Okay mostly.).

Speaking of ass-kicking men, I have a date with Thomas Jane this weekend.

2004-04-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

Johnny got engaged last night. Worst part is, his fiancee is beautiful. Another one bites the dust. I guess I can comfort myself in the arms of Apolo Anton Ohno and tell myself she has nothing on me. I have a xena sword, too. Damn you Johnny.

"yeah, but that white bra? tasteless much?" - Myr

1.~~Johnny Damon~~
2. Apolo Anton Ohno
3. ~~Olivier Martinez~~
4. ~~David Beckham~~
5. Orlando Bloom

2004-04-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

Barry hit #661. I didn't know what the hell all the hoopla for #660 was, that only tied him for 3rd, now he's in 3rd alone. I've always thought Barry Bonds was kind of an asshole, but it still is pretty cool to get to see a little history.

The Kill Bill DVD was broken in this evening. I have to say I was a little disappointed with the extra features. It was basically a 10 minute commentary with snippets from Tarantino and a good part of the cast, but no special stuff, no cut scenes, none of the things I look forward to. I don't know, this one smells like a special edition or boxed set to-be. I wish they'd quit doing that, I don't pick my money off a tree, and if I'm loyal enough to run out and buy something the day it comes out, don't wait a couple of months and then dick me over, thanks.

2004-04-13T17:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Meter Maids,
Kiss my fucking ass. I love how you seem to have homing devices to find my exact location the minute I'm forced to break the parking laws. Are you douchebags ever around when people are constantly double parking on Broadway? Or taking up two spaces purposely to save a spot for a friend? Or parking so far away from the curb I have to Jeff Gordon my way to my fucking house down a one way street? NO. NEVER. Instead, you whoremastering sluts are always right up my ass to give me tickets when I need to get into the fucking post office, and there are approximately FOUR spots for the entire city to use and do business with. Nice job letting those other double parkers off the hook, though, that's rich. There's a reason why everyone hates you and wishes you would die in a horrible, fiery 12-car collision - it's because you're cunts. Put one of those orange pieces of shit near my car wiper again and I'll pull the wiper off and beat the fuck out of you with it.

2004-04-13T11:47:00.000-04:00

"As I lay in the back of Buck's truck, trying to will my limbs out of entrophy, I could see the faces of the cunts that did this to me and the dick responsible. Members all of Bill's brainchild - the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other, that not only God exists, you're doing his will. "

Today's the day. God bless Target and $15.99 new releases. I was also thinking of picking up either Married With Children Season 1 or In Living Color Season 1. Both are $30, both have their merits. Tough call.

The Red Sox won't be playing tonight. I drove to work in a near monsoon and it's supposed to get harder throughout the day. The Fens looks flooded. Rain for the next 3 days. I'm kinda happy, rain is my favorite weather, and the Sox bullpen could definitely use a break. Maybe Timlin will relax and find his groove and Bobby Jones will find his way back to AAA Pawtucket.

2004-04-12T15:28:00.000-04:00

Curt made his Fenway debut yesterday, and save for one bad pitch to Eric Hinske, I thought he was great. 10K's, no walks, 8IP. All around not bad. It's so nice to have a pitching staff that doesn't make my knuckles white. Ortizzle did it again, and the good guys won in 12 innings. I really wish they'd cut it out with this extra inning crap...let's not burn out our arms, thanks.

Why I hate sports media (boston's coverage, anyway):

""I told David before he went to home plate, 'Finish this, man. We don't get paid overtime,' " said Ramirez, who has a $160 million, eight-year contract. "And he did it."

Nice little dig at Manny there, when he was clearly just kidding around. Assholes. No wonder players hate talking to the media, they can't even joke around without hack reporters trying to stir up trouble. Manny may be a lot of things (a space cadet, child-like, naive, lackadaisical), but he's not a jerk and he's not a selfish bastard.

Somebody remind Detroit that they're...Detroit.

2004-04-11T23:07:00.000-04:00

LOTR: TTT extended edition was fantastic, thank you Myr. I was happy to see my boy Karl Urban make his debut as King Theoden's nephew Eomer. I just want to say that I was one of the pioneers in lusting after kiwi actors thanks to Xena: Warrior Princess, which had tons of excellent ones (RIP Kevin Smith).

Is it just me or....can Eowyn get off Aragorn's nuts? Seriously. She's like.."Oh, where's the girl who gave you that.." and the next, she's all running to him, arms open, legs spread like.."Aragorn, don't leave me!" I mean, Arwen really needed to roll up on her and regulate one time like "bitch, that's my man." Also, King Theoden is a total douchebag in my opinion. Aragorn should have let him bite the dust and then slapped Eomer on the throne. Just saying. Now I really want to watch FOTR and TTT back to back. But I'll probably do the theatrical versions.

2004-04-10T01:34:00.000-04:00

Friday: Toronto 10, Sox 5 in 9 innings. ArGGGHghh! Why is it we can never win on fucking opening day! I hate Canadians, I really do. Jays lose 3 straight to the Detroit Tigers and then roll up into Fenway like the 1927 Yankees. Thanks again to Bobby fucking Jones for wasting last night's game in extra innings, which also burned out the bullpen and led to Toronto anally violating us for 6 runs in the last two innings on this lovely afternoon. Offense is totally not impressing me at all. Mark Bellhorn: if you look at a called strike 3 one more motherfucking time, I'm going to come find you and introduce you to my xena sword.

Two nice things about the game, though. One is the Patriots were back to show off the Lombardi and throw out the first pitch. Now that they've done this 2 of the last 3 years, I wonder if the Sox are starting to feel like.."All right! We get it! Salt, meet wound." Although the Patriots were really classy in trying to rub some of their championship karma off on the Sox. Tom Brady looked as hot as always. I swear that man was born to not only be, but look like a quarterback. The other was the mighty Brian Daubach getting a standing o in his first at-bat. Welcome back, Dauber.

Thursday: Baltimore 3, Sox 2 in 13 innings. Fucking Red Sox. Actually, there's two parts to it. Part One: Fucking Red Sox and fucking Bobby Jones for WALKING THE BASES LOADED and then WALKING IN THE WINNING RUN in the game against Baltimore yesterday. Ever hear of a strike, dipshit? That's just fucking inexcusable. I can swallow losing on some nice double in the gap, or even a walk-off dinger is easier to take than a fucking free pass four times in an inning. At least make them swing the goddamn bat to win. Maybe you should spit some of that disgusting load of chaw you had dripping out of your cheek, it seemed to be hampering your ability to throw strikes. Dear offense, please stop sucking now. That is all.

Uh, who the fuck told Toronto that those black jerseys were cute? For the record, black jerseys are NEVER cute (Baltimore's alternate is fine, Myr, because black is actually a legitimate color for the O's). That new logo is fucking horrible. The "Jays"? Ooh, what are we too cool now for the full name? It looks like they yoinked the design from Tampa Bay and then just rearranged the colors to fit their scheme. I actually liked Toronto's old logo and jersey set a lot better, now they just look like they're trying to be hip. 3 logo changes in 8 years, cut it the fuck out Toronto.

LOTR: TT extended edition arrived today. Thanks Myr. I think I'll find 6 hours in the day tomorrow to watch it. I'm a little scared, actually. I haven't checked the run time, but FOTR was motherfucking 3 hours, and I know the theatrical release for TTT was 3 hours+, so an extended edition? I'll probably be hitting menopause just as it finishes up.

2004-04-07T21:28:00.001-04:00

Johnny Damon was 5-for-5 today, and he totally robbed David Segui of a homer by jumping up and reaching back over the wall. Oh yes, he will be getting sex from me tonight. The Bruins also won their first playoff game against the Montreal Canadiens. I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I'm nothing if not a homer, so I'll root the B's on.

Unfortunately, Damon's big night means he isn't cutting his damn hair. After the game interview:

"With 5 hits tonight, I guess that means the hair and beard are staying?"
"Oh, definitely."

Gah. I guess I can get used to it if he keeps on being a pimp at the plate.

So John Woo snagged the movie rights to Nintendo's Metroid story. I don't like this one fucking bit. I'm already picturing over the top action sequences involving Samus and some light gun, while the story gets fucking screwed up. John Woo is decent at action and visual flowery, but when it comes to the story, it's apparent he could give a shit. And Metroid is special to me. Not because I'm a guru at the game, the original for NES was both really fucking hard and long, but because it's a kickass classic story and game and it deserves to either be left the hell alone or done properly. This doesn't sound promising:

"THR claims the film will center on "the origins of the game's female protagonist, sexy bounty hunter Samus Aran, and relate her adventures battling the insidious life-sucking Metroids and their controlling force, Mother Brain."

Well no shit sherlock. And I'm sure they'll put an emphasis on the sexy part. Anyone whose played Metroid knows Samus wears a fucking suit, not some tit-bearing spandex thing that shows off her nipples more than protects her from oh, say...enemies? Why must everything be made into a crappy movie? Leave my video games alone, bitches.

2004-04-06T20:20:00.000-04:00

Schilling. Mmm. He was everything I'd hoped for and more. You know what my favorite attribute in a pitcher is? That ability to dig down deep and get out of jams. Reach back for that little something extra. Pedro has it. Schilling has it. It's going to be a nice summer for Red Sox Nation. Especially now that we have a bonafide closer. Welcome to my harem, Keith Foulke.

I got to watch Andy Pettitte pitch for the Astros on TV today without having to hold back my lust and hope for his misfortune. It was very freeing. I don't know what the hottest thing about Andy Pettitte is: the cleft in his chin, his eyes, or his body.

CNN actually had the headline "NASA probe returning with solar booty." You can't make them up any better than that.

Tomorrow is the D-Lowe show. Prediction: Sox win, 8-3. Oh god it feels good to have baseball back.

2004-04-02T18:16:00.000-05:00

Dear smarmy-ass hybrid/VW/matchbox car drivers,

You might think you're holier than thou because that tuna can you drive gets 1000 miles per gallon and saves children in Somalia, but I'd rather set the ocean ablaze with the gasoline exhaust from my badass Jeep than be caught dead in one of those ugly ass cars. I didn't know conserving gasoline and energy meant style had to be conserved, too, because those cars look like the down syndrome models. Seriously.

Cost of my Jeep? $1400. Cost of a hybrid car? $19,000 starting price. And those beloved VW's cost a fortune to buy and to fix (well over $20,000). Some of us don't have thousands upon thousands of dollars (of daddy's money) to blow on brand new cars just so we can be smug hippies. So maybe all of you superior motherfuckers might not mind lending me $17,600 so I can get a fuel efficient system put into my Jeep? No? Then move your retard car out of my way and shut the fuck up already.

2004-04-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

I'm staying far, far away from Need for Speed Underground on gameboy advance from now on. Seriously. The graphics look like something out of the Turbo Grafx 16 and the controls play like shit. Boring, shitty, shit. I don't understand how those moron readers over at IGN came up with a 8.2. I hope that game didn't leave it's stench behind on my gameboy.

Coming Sunday to a television (opening day tickets on eBay: $300) near you..
Team Info:
2003 record: 95-67 (2nd in AL East) [fucking hate 2nd place]
Pythagorean W-L*: 95-67
2003 payroll: $99,946,500 (6th)
Manager: Terry Francona, 1st year
Stadium: Fenway Park (33,991; grass)

* -- Pythagorean W-L, developed by Bill James, determines the record a team would have been expected to post given their runs scored and runs surrendered.

The great and powerful Pedro matches up against Myr's Orioles and Miguel "but he grabbed his crotch at me! my fucking children are fucking watching this shit!" Tejada. Prediction: Sox win. Sox win. Sox win.

2004-04-02T14:57:00.000-05:00

Yoinked from Myr: 50 Most Loathesome New Yorkers. I think everyone has their own mini list (from all states, truthfully...plenty of massholes around here), but this one is funny. Listees of note: Sofia Coppola (thank you), Rudy Giuliani (yes! YES!), Kevin Brown (been saying that for months), the Hilton sisters (blonde bimbo bone bags) and Joan Rivers.

2004-04-01T16:08:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate April Fool's Day. Ho, ho, ho. Everyone has to make some lame attempt at tricking people. The funny thing is, the only reason I actually fell for the Virtual Boy SP is because Nintendo has been whoring out limited edition SPs constantly in the last few months. Still, I feel like a moron for that one. The Virtual Boy flopped for good reason.

2004-04-01T13:28:00.000-05:00

Oh jesus, Nomar is out until May. Breathe. Trot is out until May. Someone hand me a paper bag. Opening Day without Nomar and Trot. That means Pokey Reese will play shortstop and...Mark Bellhorn will play second. Vomit. I'm going to have to try not to think about this too much. We still have Manny...and Ortiz...and Tek...and Jesus is still on our team.

I'm already hating the damn Democratic National Convention. Its causing problems and delays 3 months shy of its kickoff. The Boston Celtics' Reebok Pro Summer League is probably going to be cancelled. A gigantic section of the I-95 overpass is going to be closed the entire time, as well as a section of the tunnel and possibly North Station. Traffic, which already inspires homocidal inklings, is going to be about a hundred times worse. You know every cocksmoker with a sign and a sharpie is going to think now's the time to strut for their retarded cause. I never thought I'd say this (even though I love P-town), but I'd rather be in Providence for that entire month. Seriously.

You know, I loved Nintendo's idea for a throwback to NES version of the SP. I've even been toying with the idea of buying one (but I'll definitely buy some of the classic games). But this is just stupid. Not only does the SP itself look like they slapped together two factory rejects from the Onyx and Flame colorways, but it ONLY plays games in 256 shades of red. As in, no color. What a stupid fucking idea. I can understand the nostalgia trip, harkening back to the days of Virtual Boy (which no one I know even owned), but eliminating the color LCD of the SP? Zero fucking sense. If we wanted to stare at a spectrum of the same color for hours while we play, we'd pick up an old fucking gameboy. Cut it out, Nintendo.

2004-03-29T22:28:00.000-05:00

Watched Dirty Dancing on TNT again. When I was little, I always dreamed of meeting someone on vacation who would teach me to salsa and who I could have sex with in one of the cabins to piss off my parents. No dice on that one.

I'll never understand why Jennifer Grey felt the need to get a nose job. I mean, her nose wasn't disgusting. It gave her character. After she went and got her schnauze hacked up, she looked like every other boring vanilla white actress. Jen, sweetie, you're jewish. It's okay.

I did find this interesting website when I was googling Grey, all about one hit wonder jewish actors and what happened to them since. It's called Jewrassic Park. Classic. A "where are they now" of the dreidel community. Like I always wondered what happened to Paul Pffeifer from the Wonder Years:

"Josh abandoned the arts completely in 1994 to major in political science at Yale University. Four years later the 24-year-old plied his new trade as a para-legal at a New York City law firm."

Or this about Screech from Saved by the Bell:

"Now living with his folks in Anaheim, California, 23-year-old Dustin attends college and enjoys fishing, writing and playing chess...Dustin's set to strike a blow for gits everywhere by bagging Hollywood's hottest role in Mike Myers' live-action Scooby Doo movie. Fans are demanding Shaggy's flesh and bone incarnation be handed the hero's role.."

Looks like Dustin Diamond's role got yoinked by Matthew Lillard.

Ken Griffey Jr. is hurt again. Is it wrong to giggle? I mean, this guy is literally made of glass these days. I was so hoping the Yankees would trade for him. And the Devils Rays extended GM Chuck LaMar's contract by two years. What, does everyone in Florida have fucking Alzheimer's disease? He a shitty GM. Very shitty. That's like Cubans giving Fidel Castro a lifetime presidency. Or the stockholders at Enron giving Ken Lay a raise. Morons. At least we get to beat their ass 19 times a year.

Tomorrow is the unofficial Opening Day for Major League Baseball. Yankees vs. Devil Rays in Japan. You know who to root for.

2004-03-26T17:41:00.000-05:00

Jersey Girl comes out today. I want to see it, but Kevin Smith’s toolism recently has really dropped his stock in my eyes. I saw him on Yes, Dear a couple of days ago and he sucked it up, majorly. I’m sure the cameo was written as poorly as he acted it, but he came off like a totally wooden lameass. That’s not even the most annoying thing, though. Every interview he’s given lately he’s been all about promoting the fact that J. Lo dies right in the beginning. Kevin Smith on Leno:

"We thought about making it the poster tagline: 'Jersey Girl - Don't Worry, She Dies In The First 15'. "

It’s like, hold up…when the two were together, I distinctly remember him saying in an interview how great it was to have them both in the movie. Now he’s going to act like he was on the Bennifer bashing wagon from the start? Get the fuck out of here.

Myr: Not cool though? Those spots he did to promote jersey girl that are all "Come see Arwen in the shower!" wtf? And that reference to the tower of Gondor? Ew dude. Can you not?

Sooz: and kevin smith? saw him on some cable news program last night and i have to agree about the stock dropping thing. He was saying that people should come to the movie just to see JLO die. Listen buddy, leave the obvious cracks on jenny's death to us....as the director that's a little uncool of you. and you know that if they were still the it couple he would have been marketing the shit out of those two. when they were together that's all anybody talked about. "the two will be appearing together in jersey girl." now that it's over....it's like she 's gone without a trace.

Seriously.

2004-03-24T14:48:00.000-05:00

Derek Jeter, homoerotic superman. Can he be any more slashy? He’s kind of adorable in his gayness.

11 more days until Opening Day. I’m starting to get a little antsy to hear more about Nomar’s achilles. I’m pretty sure they’re going to take it easy with him, because if he’s out we’re fucked. Trot is out until May. Ugh. Hopefully we’ll be fine until he gets back, but the idea of Kevin Millar playing right field at Fenway Park makes me squeamish.

It looks like contract extension talks with Pedro Martinez have begun, and are positive so far. Please god sign him. I’m already having horrible visions of Nomar adjusting his batting gloves of another color next year.

Blockbuster STILL doesn't have it's lone copy of LOTR: Two Towers Extended Edition back yet. For the love of god, people. One copy? Honestly.

2004-03-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

FUCKERS:
- Gonzaga
- Michingan State
- Stanford
- Kentucky

You all are a bunch of worthless pussies. Thank you for costing me $200.

Just as I discover the hotness of Olivier Martinez (as seen this weekend in Taking Lives), he's snatched up. Fucking Kylie Minogue.

2004-03-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

Myr emailed this article to me earlier today. A 25-year-old man marrying his 80-year-old grandmother. Why not just get her a live-in caretaker? Filed right under “Disgusting.” Also, why is it that the article never mentions sex? I mean, it seems like they wouldn’t be doing it, but I need confirmation. Ugh.

Nomar is wearing a cast on his lower leg! Trot Nixon is out for 6 weeks with a herniated disc. Nooooooooooooooooooo. Please God don’t do this to me. Heal, babies, heal. I suppose if there’s ever a time to be injured, its now, but I don’t like this one bit. I hate fucking injuries.

Fucking Michigan State fuckers screwing up my NCAA bracket. I should have known not to pick those pussies. Luckily, I can still win because I picked Gonzaga to knock their asses out.

2004-03-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes Sooz has ESP. I was just reading on CNN about these parents who were pissed because their child brought home a book about gay princes from school, and she linked me to the article. Sometimes religious people are totally friggin’ annoying. I feel bad for that little girl, she’s going to grow up in a Christian hellhole, where differences are damned. It’s not like the book had pop-ups of anal fucking or something. More importantly, how come they didn’t have books about gay princes in my school? We had to read lame ass shit like Danny and the Dinosaur or Mr. Peckle’s Pickles.

Curt Schilling tore it up yesterday. I love this man. He mixed in five, count them, five pitches yesterday. The Red Sox were wearing their green St. Patrick’s Day uniforms, which were weird to look at. It took me forever to get used to the new red alternate jerseys (stop fucking with tradition), so thankfully the green ones are only for the holiday.

The A’s signed Eric Chavez to a $66 million, six-year deal. Sign Pedro, Nomar, and Tek, dammit! Now!

2004-03-17T20:46:00.000-05:00

Fucking Pep Boys sons of bitches! $200! I'll be driving tomorrow, but it will be to a can redemption center since I'm going to have to go trash picking to pay for lunch the rest of this week.

Ah well. It's worth it.

2004-03-17T16:49:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it be cool to be Mark Cuban? He can say whatever the fuck he feels like, at any time. If the NBA has a problem, he writes a check. God that rocks. "Hey, Commissioner, think you'll be rigging the NBA lottery this year so the New York Dicks get #1 again? Oh, pardon me, here's $10,000." You know, Mark Cuban is kind of cu...well, no, not until he deals with that weird comb-style and lazy eye thing. Still, he rules. Hey Cube, buy the Celtics?

Okay, enough of the snow shit. No, seriously.

Damn RMV raped me. $200 bucks in miscellaneous, bend-over-the-counter charges including a new registration. Blah. As long as the tune-up I'm getting doesn't cost too much, I'll be fine.

2004-03-16T21:44:00.000-05:00

Huge fucking snowstorm. I’m really pissed about this, I thought we’d finally put away the shovels and rock salt for good. Fucking New England. Good thing: I chucked a few snowballs at some unfortunate cars in my arm range. Bad thing: I’m going to be spending the morning cleaning off my….new Jeep! It’s a nice black ’92 Cherokee. I’m excited. Compared to the Tempo, this is like driving a Rolls.

Whitney’s finally in rehab. Which is good, I think they were getting tired of saving her room. Honestly, though…I heard that this morning and my mom and I were both in unison: “It’s about time.” Now if she could just bring Lara Flynn Boyle with her. Either that bitch has an internal version of the ebola virus, or she does coke like a motherfucker.

Some kid in Hong Kong picked up a knife when his father unplugged his video game today. Laughed my ass off just picturing that.

"The boy's mother told police the boy was thrashing about with a knife. Nobody was charged," a police spokeswoman said.

I wonder if the kid knows he has to wait until October for GTA: San Andreas. I picked up a knife when I found that out.

2004-03-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

Lazy/busy weekend. Not enough of the former, either. The Tempo finally fucking croaked, so I’ve been sort of thinking about my next car. Used, of course, unless I happen to marry an oil prince or something in the next week. Anyway, I decided fuck it, I’m getting a Jeep. I’ve wanted one since I was 16, and more when I saw Cher driving one in Clueless. I can afford to get an older one and slowly customize it. I saw this fucking gorgeous one on a lot today, it was $6,500 but it was…mm jesus. It had brand new humongous tires, a new engine, fog lights. I asked about it, but they wouldn’t finance it, so I could only touch. Soon, Smithers.

March Madness is heeeeeeeeere. I gotta work on my bracketology. Duke is #1, which makes me happy. Other than that, I’m kind of up in the air. No team calls out to me this year, so winning the pool is going to be tough, but I got it locked.

2004-03-12T17:44:00.000-05:00

I hate my fucking job and I hate Sovereign fucking bank. You know how much they charged me in "service fees" this month? TWENTY THREE MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS. I called up the lady at the 800-number ready to raise hell (I had exactly 23 bucks in my account at the time, and it seemed too fucking convenient) and she curtly tells me that the bank charges me everytime I use a non-Sovereign ATM. Bitch, isn't that what that fucking $1.50 charge is when I take the money out?! Isn't that enough for the two bloodsucking banks to split? Jesus fucking Christ. I've never had these mysterious fucking charges before, ever, or I would have said to fuck with the ATMs and just carried my money around in a sock or something. I check over my statements like a hawk. And when I check my balance, my paycheck is about $38 dollars short. That better be the health insurance kicking in or someone is going to die. Thank you, HMOs, for putting me at the poverty line.

2004-03-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

Having a hilarious e-mail exchange with Sooz all morning. She has this grand idea that we should save $10,000 and move to London for like six months. Which would be cool, except for the deportation possibility (but hey, it’s a free trip home) and the fact that I can already see us broke in like 2 months. Still..

Read this tasty little article over lunch today. Perfect ambience to read about a resistant gonorrhea outbreak in Massachusetts. I mean, that’s just fucking disgusting. I keep picturing some mutated parasite dribbling out of people’s underwear. Kind of makes this not getting any thing a little easier.

I hope that guy that got punched in the back of the head during an NHL game last night is okay. That shit was fucking gruesome. A cheap shot, too.

I want to go see Passion of Christ and Starsky & Hutch this weekend. Kind of a funny contrast. I was planning to see PoC the night it came out, but the movie theater was a hellhole and we couldn’t get in. Hopefully the douchebags have gone home and I can fucking get in this time. The night we went, there were these religious people in the parking lot handing out audio tapes and crappy pamphlets. Some scary priest guy came over to our window and my cousin screamed, so the guy got all pissed and walked away. Then we ran over one of his tapes, it was pretty fucking funny.

2004-03-09T16:11:00.000-05:00

All right, can people really get over the damn Janet Jackson thing? Christ. You’d think she’d pulled out a dildo and bent Justin Timberlake over a set of drums or something. Maybe if everyone weren’t so paranoid about the human body and sexuality, things like this wouldn’t become a tornado of controversy. It was just a fucking nipple, and it was literally 5 tenths of a second. There’s no need to save the children.

The NFL has continued to be the biggest pussy since all of this has started. And now they’re cancelling another show. Now that I think of it, the NFL also happens to be the driving force behind one of my favorite shows, Playmakers, being canned. Fucking communists. Yeah, let’s maintain the false squeaky image in order to please Gatorade and Nike and whatever other fucking sponsors they need to fellate, but keep the scantily clad sideline cheerleaders and homophobic machismo.

2004-03-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

So Sheffield's finger is fucked up. I'm not excited about this. Back when I was a young, stupid Red Sox fan, I always figured any injury blow to the Yank$ was a wonderful thing. Now, you just sort of wait for them to trade some shitty prospect and 10 million bucks for Albert Pujols or something.

I really, really hate these politicians they keep interviewing about gay marriage. They just did a clip of an interview with one of our reps, Eugene O'Flaherty...and he's like: "You don't want people to be getting married during this interim period...and then once the law changes, having to take that right away from them."

Bitch just called it a right, didn't he? A temporary one in his mind, I'm sure. I just don't like fucking politicians deciding private matters like who should be allowed to marry. And this whole sanctity of marriage shit? Please. One in two marriages end in divorce. Britney Spears? Dennis Rodman? Elizabeth Taylor, anyone? All the kids that end up in the middle of abusive relationships, foster homes, neglect...and we're going to act like a man and a woman equals eternal familial bliss. Ugh. I fucking hate people.

The Sox won a couple of SS games. Tomorrow both Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling pitch in the same game. If I had a schlong, I'd have a boner just thinking about that. I can't wait to see Petey pitch. It's art.

That Curt Schilling Dunkin' Donuts commerical is fucking hilarious. They have him in the Red Sox lockerroom, listening to foreign language tapes on his headphones, except they're teaching him the boston accent (butchered by most imitators). The tape is like.."Pahk. I can't find a place to pahk." And then he repeats it, all awkwardly. Good shit, I might have to record it. But the next person that ever, ever says "I pahk my cah at Hahvad Yahd" is going to be decapitated on the spot. It's not motherfucking funny. In fact, it's the world's dumbest, most un-funny, un-original joke. Not clever.

2004-03-05T15:47:00.000-05:00

First spring training game was yesterday. Sox won, 5-3 against the Minnesota Twins. I remember why spring training games suck, now. Most of the real players don’t play more than 1 inning, and you’re forced to watch John Buttcrack from the AAA Davenport Douchebags play for 8 innings. Makes for exciting shit. Once Nomah and the crew checked out, I half-watched it. I still wanted us to win it, though, so I’m a greedy fuck.

Baltimore Orioles' Hairston fractures his finger. Aww, poor Jerry. Every year, they predict his break out “I swear I don’t suck” season, and every year he trips playing hopscotch and hurts himself. Plus, I just irrationally hate the guy. Apparently he was crying. What a bitch.

“"I'm more hurt (emotionally) now than when I broke my foot," Hairston said. "I worked so hard this offseason. It hurts, you know?"

Martha Stewart was busted. All four counts. Hahaha. Can you imagine Martha Stewart as somebody’s bitch in prison? Adjusting the collar of some big, butch lesbian who escorts her to the mess hall by the ass? Fucking classic. Then again, survey says she never serves a day in the big house.

2004-03-04T15:07:00.000-05:00

This really pisses me off. You can’t just all of the sudden decide to “no comment” on an issue that’s already permeated it’s stank through your sport. Totally cowardly to the nth degree. I really, really hate the fucking MLB players union. A bunch of pussies hiding behind useless agreements. You can’t drug test right now because the union says no? Then fucking change the agreement, you dumb cocks! It’s your union. I’m getting really sick and tired of players and management thinking the average fan is just some slack-jawed yokel dumbass who will continue to pay $200 for jerseys and $10 bucks for a hotdog at ballparks full of lying, cheating assholes. It’s not the sanctity of the game shit that I think is ridiculous (partly, but not totally); it’s the way it’s all being handled. Cut the fucking no comment shit out and own up to a problem that’s been looked off for far too long.

Isn’t this picture fucking adorable? Petey is the man. Red Sox tonight. Thank you sweet jesus.

Yoinked from Myr. And yeah, I think it’s time for CNN to confirm that Bush is a retard. Why doesn’t he just plant a campaign sign in a carcass over in Iraq? Good news in all of this is that maybe ketchup boy will save us all. Ha ha, right. God politics blow chode.

2004-03-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

So I’m not a big hockey fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I am happy that the Bruins have finally pulled off a playoff push deadline trade today. Apparently it’s a steal for the B’s, too. Bruins ownership has bungled shit up royally in recent years with shitty trades, inactivity, and cheapskatedness in retaining their own good players, alienating a longtime devoted fan base to the point where fans’ frustration was being shown in the only way fans can truly speak – empty home games. I think finally, things are beginning to change (money talks), and I’m happy for all the B’s fans. The Bruins have a home game Thursday, I’m actually thinking about going. My first hockey game, too.

So tomorrow is the first Sox exhibition game. DLowe is pitching. Can’t wait. Also, I’m thinking about getting a new Red Sox jersey, the kind that are made for women. Only thing is, I don’t know which jersey I should get. Contract year players are a no-go, which rules out Pedro, Lowe, Varitek or Nomar. Trot Nixon maybe? He just signed a 3-year deal. Kind of sad, though, when you’re deciding which jersey to buy based on which players have the least chance of leaving or being traded. I’ve learned the hard way from my Terry Glenn, Antoine Walker and Shea Hillenbrand shirts. I do love Trot, he’s a dirt dog.

2004-03-02T15:39:00.000-05:00

The Red Sox and the Yankees are in a fight over El Duque? Excuse me while I laugh my ass off and then choke on my own vomit. Hopefully, this is a clever ruse by the Red Sox to drive up the price of the old fart, because he could barely crack 80 mph during his first workout earlier this month. Now he’s up to a blistering 84 mph.

If the Red Sox actually pursue this, I’ll be annoyed. For one, the guy is clearly like 45 years old. Fuck Cuban birth certificates, lets cut the bullshit here. Besides the part about him being old, he hasn’t exactly been Mr. Durability these last few years. Let the Yankees sign him. I want to see what our other pitchers can do, and El Duque would be wasting a roster spot for over a month. I wouldn’t be afraid to face him if I were Sox hitters. But if the $kanks miss out on El Duque, you can be sure they’ll find a way to acquire Randy Johnson or Mark Prior or something. Haven’t we learned our lesson on signing Yankee castoffs? Paging Ramiro Mendoza..

Bonds, Giambi, Sheffield, steroids…oh my! Damn I love being right. Looks like actual names have been mentioned. Steroids were given. There’s no way in fuck they’d be dumb enough to try and say that even though they had steroids, they didn’t take them, but merely used them as a decorative enhancement in their lockers.

3 days until I can finally, finally, finally watch the Red Sox on TV again. Can’t fucking wait. Johnny Damon still has not shaved.

2004-03-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

Billy Crystal was awesome, but overall I thought the Oscars were a little boring. No major upsets, nothing scandalous, no one wearing a flamingo. The red carpet was a little blah as well. Throw in the 5-second effect and it was nice, but not exciting. Most of the best comedy came from Billy Crystal – what the hell was Jim Carrey doing? Also, I think Michael Douglas is dying right before our eyes. I have to admit, as much of a LOTR supporter as I am (excellent shit, you know), it got a little boring watching them win every single category. And Peter Jackson? Peter, hi? Next time you’re up for an Academy Award, you might want to try showering and combing your hair, thanks. Although I did enjoy getting to listen to kiwi accents for the better part of 3 hours. The Bush jokes were all pretty funny. Not nearly enough Angelina Jolie. Barely enough Johnny Depp.

2004-02-26T16:05:00.000-05:00

Johnny Damon looks like he’s ready to star in the Passion of Christ movie. Either that or the baseball version of Encino Man. They must not sell razors in Orlando. Even though the beard makes him look like a resident of Nazareth, he still looks pretty hot. He can get away with it, especially when he admits he’s the Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder:

“Bless you,” Johnny Damon said yesterday as he entered the Red Sox clubhouse. “Bless you all.”

Classic.

Damon claimed he tested himself against cars late at night down his street in Orlando, where the speed limit is 25 miles per hour. "I'll wait on the side of the street and when a car starts coming, I'll race it to my house," he said. "So I know I can go at least 25 [m.p.h.]. Sometimes I scare them because they see this caveman running along."

I love Johnny.

2004-02-25T15:32:00.000-05:00

Nothing creates an awkward situation more than asking someone about their religion, or in my case, lack thereof. Except of course, when inquiring about someone’s weight. Both of which were the subjects of discussion during lunch with the woman I work with. It being Ash Wednesday and all, she just assumed I was not only Christian but Catholic, and asked when I was going to church. Cue mid-bite pause and my quick; “I’m not catholic. Or very religious.” She gave me a look that suggested I’d sprouted a dick on my face and we continued to eat. The very next words out of her mouth were..”You’re tall. How much do you weigh?” The hell? Who asks that straight out of nowhere? Why not just say what you really want to say but don’t want to say because it’s a compliment; that I’ve lost weight. I told her it was personal and that was that. I wanted to friggin’ wolf my sandwich down just so I could escape this odd round of questioning that she obviously didn’t see was completely awkward and unnecessarily personal. End rant.

So today is the day the damn movie finally comes out. I wanted to see it before the media orgy, so now I might have to wait or go during the week to avoid the gaggle of people that should be seeing it. What I don’t understand is all the fucking outrage. People, please, get over it. It’s a movie. I can see the Onion article already; “Jews Say They Were Framed; Jesus Really Living in Indiana.” Someone’s always up in arms over something retarded.

I liked what Senator Kennedy (Mass.) said yesterday in regards to the whole gay marriage firestorm. Something to the effect of “amending the constitution has always been for the purpose of granting more rights to the people, not limiting or taking them away.” Simple, but it stayed with me. What would the country do without Massachusetts leading the way? Heh heh.

2004-02-24T15:32:00.000-05:00

The juice is about to hit the fan, people. Notice how some baseball players (cough Giambi cough - scroll down and check out Juicin' G's pics, it's worth it trust me) are arriving at training camp lighter, less bulky, apparently on special hard-core diets over winter? Suddenly everyone is devoted to trimmer, leaner physiques - through hard work and dieting, of course. Not because of impending steroid testing, no no. I guess we're all assholes, since they expect us to buy that shit. Gary Sheffield is among those players who were named in a BALCO affidavit.

I'm kind of glad this is all coming out. Huge, throbbing necks and heads is not at all attractive.

Dear Danny Ainge: please kill yourself. Or better yet, go work for LA.
Signed,
Celtics fans

2004-02-23T16:09:00.000-05:00

Trouble in paradise already? Apparently A-Rod and Jeter haven’t made love since their spat over that Esquire article. Does anyone else find this vastly amusing? I’m literally laughing my ass off in my cubicle.

Priceless:

“Yesterday, A-Rod had a chance to talk about his relationship with Jeter in the present tense and be more absolute. But instead of offering an "I know it is behind us," A-Rod twice used the expression "I thought it was over."

Tee hee.

2004-02-22T21:28:00.000-05:00

My friend Rebecca wanted to go to Hooters on Friday. So we go, no big deal. Our other friend is being all stuffy about it, but I figured it'd be fun. The food sucked major ass. I don't know how you can screw up a burger and fries, but they managed to do it. First of all, fries were excluded from the meal. Instead we got a slice of lettuce, tomato and a cup of beans. Uh? Okay. It was kind of funny, I kept catching Rebecca checking out the women's tits. It was hard not to look, I had to like fight myself to look into our waitress' eyes. Of course I failed a few times. The uniforms are nuts, though. It's like you had to look. I could deal with the tit-baring top, but not the panties that expose about 25% of each butt cheek. So I decided not to submit an application, as did Rebecca.

Pitchers and catchers have reported! Curt Schilling is in the building! Dauber is back! Mmmmm. Boston pitching.

2004-02-20T13:39:00.000-05:00

I caught a commercial for the movie Taking Lives today. I hadn't heard much about it, but I'm excited. I don't generally do horror flicks, but this one looks pretty tame. Oh yeah, and Angelina Jolie is in it (the only real reason I give a shit).

The Celtics are morons. That's all that needs to be said. Trade away one shitty-ass point guard for two shitty-ass poing guards and a draft pick. Thank you Danny Ainge, the architect of the green's destruction.

Maybe some MFY fans are sick of being the house in blackjack?

"So what makes a good gag gift for a Yankee fan this spring? A "Tigers S**k!" T-shirt? What do you say to Donald Trump on the day he opens another casino, "Good luck?" What do you say to the sportsman who likes to shoot fish in a barrel?

That's one of the odd things about this Alex Rodriguez deal. The New York media seem far more pumped about the trade than thoughtful Yankee fans. While their love of the Yankees remains, it no longer seems unconditional. It seems to be tempered. Unlike the local media, more than a few Yankee fans are slightly embarrassed.

Mike Graham, for example. He's 49 and drives a City bus on Staten Island. "I'm a Yankee fan; I've always rooted for them," he told us this week. "But it's like enough, already, ya know?" - Phil Mushnick, nypost

Yup.

2004-02-19T14:48:00.000-05:00

I love the Sports Guy. His newest, "Don't hand out the rings just yet", is a perfect way to relax Red Sox Nation into spring training. Plus he's fucking funny. Best line:

"Since when did Ben Affleck become The Voice of Red Sox Fans? Who nominated him? Would a true Sox fan ever propose to a chick with a big ass from the Bronx?"

As Myr so succintly pointed out, the Yankees haven't won jack shit since going shopping at the All-Star Mart (Mussina and on). And they can finally shove that homegrown argument up their ass.

Sign Nomar!

2004-02-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

Fuck what I said,
It don't mean shit now,
Fuck the presents,
might as well throw 'em out
Fuck all those kisses
They didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe
I don't want you back
- Eamon, Fuck It

Are those not the best lyrics on the planet? God I love it.

Can't wait until P&C report. The excitement is starting to sink back in. Fuck the Yankees, they're not gonna take that away from me. If they win, big whoop, the sure paid out the ass for it. I like our Foulken chances.

2004-02-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

One other little tidbit. The Celtics finally released Vin Baker. Yes, I feel bad because the reason is he's a damn alcoholic, but is it so wrong to be happy at the fact that the Celtics are out from under that choking contract? Maybe there's a chance...well, no. I'm still hoping the Celtics continue to tank it and get a good draft pick for next year. So sad, I sound like a Knicks fan. Even with this contract off our ass, we can't afford any decent free agents this summer. Dammit.

2004-02-18T15:54:00.000-05:00

Why is it easier to get a show time for a shit flick like 50 First Dates, than it is for Oscar-nominated movies? Cold Mountain, Monster...I'm sure there are others, but it's friggin' annoying. They're hiding these movies somewhere. Maybe distributors think the general public is too stupid and would rather see Adam Sandler's 5 joke recycling act for 2 hours rather than try to "decipher" the other shit.

John W. Henry thinks there should be a salary cap in baseball. It's about fucking time. And before people start moaning about how the Red Sox have a $100 million payroll themselves (compared to the MFY's "modestly" higher $200 million), don't forget that we're the ones who have to play the fucking free-spending Bronx fuckers *19* times a year. We're the ones who have to actually fight in their division to get to the playoffs. So save it. Everyone with half a lobe can see that baseball's competitive balance sucks fat cock right now.

In other news, Derek Jeter has requested that A-Rod get tested for sexually transmitted infections to complete his trade to New York. Just, you know...for the good of the team.

2004-02-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

Can't stop playing NBA Street 2. It's addicting, even though the computer is a cheating piece of shit. I played as the Sacramento Kings earlier, and the fucking St. Lunatics had 19 steals on me. Yes, Nelly's goddamn rap group shanked the ball from the Sacramento Kings 19 times. I still roasted them. Off the heezay.

I found this golden nugget on ebaumsworld.com. Now that's some pimped out photoshopping. My favorite is the one of the kid as Legolas. Mm. Legolas. Why they gotta pick on the fat kid, though? Fuckers.

2004-02-15T20:14:00.000-05:00

Son of a bitch! I have always, always said I wanted to eventually be the one to turn Ender's Game into a movie. Someone fucking beat me to it. Isn't that always the way. Shit, man. I feel like I got robbed. That assmaster better do an amazing job.

I'm hooked on that Eamon song, Fuck It. I know I'm a little late to the party, but I try not to listen to the shitty radio in the car if I can help it. I love his voice, it sounds retro or something. Unlike the influx of baritone crooners you always hear. Plus he's fucking pissed and it's just a great beat.

I'm a lot more calm about the A-Rod thing now. I mean, I should have expected it. Plus, it's fun to slay Goliath, isn't it? Yes, yes it is. Underdogs are far more chic.

2004-02-14T18:01:00.000-05:00

Motherfucking Yankees trade Alfonso Soriano for A-Rod. For the love of God, now do people understand the bitterness? You know, that Onion article isn't quite satire anymore. How touching, the Yankees reunite old lovers Jeter and A-Rod on Valentines Day. Also included in the deal for A-Rod was a 12-pack of KY Jelly.

Assholes.

2004-02-13T19:31:00.000-05:00

I'm really feeling the It's My Life video by No Doubt. I know, I know - but seriously, it's a cool video and a very catchy song. The best boyfriend death is definitely the blowdryer in the bathtub. Classic.

2004-02-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

Red Sox news, finally. Though it's contract posturing, what else. What pisses me off most about this article is this one comment:

“There's definitely something about the Red Sox as far as the playoffs go. They find a way to lose.”

What does he mean, “they”? News flash, DLowe, you are they. You’re not watching this from afar, dipshit. Luckily for him, that game-ending strikeout in game 5 of the 2003 ALDS (eat it, Oakland) still gets him a pass from my wrath. At least he’s being realistic - theres no way in rosy hell the Sox sign him before Pedro. None. I love DLowe, I really do, but he’s been really inconsistent over his career. I don’t see the Red Sox dropping 10+ million a year on him. And his agent is Bora$$, so we know how that one’s gonna go. Sign Petey, Sign Nomar, sign Tek, sign Ortiz, and call it a day.

2004-02-12T14:58:00.000-05:00

It’s funny how my life has morphed into Office Space live. I’m just slogging through the fucking day waiting for the clock to strike 5. Luckily I fully realize this is not my destiny, but a temporary income provider. The guy from the newspaper is a lazy bastard and has yet to call me back about our luncheon so he can give me a part time writing gig. He was impressed with my stuff, so I doubt it’s a blow-off. I guess I’ll have to be an annoying go-getter or some shit. Right.

Season 3 of Xena is out. I was going to buy it on Tuesday, but then some douchebag on Amazon.com mentioned that the Best Buy version is different, but didn’t say how or why. Now I’m like, paranoid to buy it, but Best Buy has the best price. Still, I’m going to do a little research before I drop 45 bucks on a set that might have some flaw that I’ll be pissed about later.

Everyone is all talking about the gay marriage thing, since Massachusetts is attempting to be a trailblazer on the issue. It’s amazing how many bigoted assholes you live with on a daily basis and don’t realize. If I hear one more person say “one man, one woman” or “adam and eve, not adam and steve,” I promise violence. I really could care less what people decide to get div – I mean, married to each other. Why the fuck should anyone else? I don’t think the state should decide shit like that. This is why I hate politics, and stopped caring circa 2000.

Fucking hell, it’s only 3:00pm.